Psychotherapy and shame........

A Rorschach inkblot…..

“Only the educated are free.” ― Epictetus

I found doctor Miller while researching shame.   Being in psychotherapy is interesting, and from an engineering perspective frustrating.   I got to a point where I was reading about toxic shame in the Bradshaw book HealingTheShameThatBindsYou.  The book is interesting to be sure, but I don’t find psychotherapy books with stories to be very informative.   I guess thats the engineer in me.  I find that there are many details I am sure the author left out, that helped him find and draw his conclusions.

There was two sections I found that resonated with me.  The first had to do with a man Bradshaw said had ToxicShame, and yet, what I found interesting he was married.    This made me think…….   One of the issues I have had in relationships is that when it gets to a Fish Or Cut Bait situation, I would bail.  I would bail, on of the reasons is because I thought of all the things that could go wrong at the wedding.  I don’t have a “family” and every women I got to the FoCB situation did.  So I could imagine my side of the aisle being empty and hers full of people…….

Back to Bradshaw’s book, it occurred to me if this guy has toxic shame, how in the hell did he get married……. if he was able to over come the feeling of toxic shame to get married, how much ToxicShame am I carrying with me?

The second section of the book was when Bradshaw went on to describe ToxicShame as being alienating… hence my previous posts title.   I cannot describe the well of emotion that went through me when I read that.   I get it, its how I feel.   I have caused some of my own alienation.   One of the things I struggled with regarding TheOne, was that she never came to visit my home.  I have a nice home, though lacking in furniture, and could use a womens touch.   Its nice enough.   I couldn’t get upset too much for her not coming to my home, as I didn’t thing much of letting her see it.   I didn’t want her to see it, so you could see the tension in my thinking and its struggle.   This didn’t really come out in therapy, and what follows is why……..

I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t come out in therapy, it would seem to me it should have at some point in the 28years of therapy right?   So I emailed Holly and requested that we focus on Shame, focus on understanding my shame, as I felt this is my core issue.  I said that I felt I just wandered and avoided it.   Her reply we less than underwhelming.    It was basically that she didn’t feel I was just wandering.   She is correct, but I don’t think she sees the underlying problem.  The reason for this is that I would avoid my shame.   This is what I don’t understand about being in therapy that is Freudian in nature (directionless talking).   If you have shame, which as you’ll see, I feel it’s the reason most people in therapy are going, you avoid your core issues, and thus avoid the root cause of your dysfunction.  The therapist needs to break through this through wacthing for changes in the conversation, and focusing on why you changed. Looking at past relationships, your formative relationships, and confront it head on…. with a word that when I heard it in this context blew me away.

Vulnerability….. thats it, if you look at my writing about shame, on the motorcycle, what strikes you?  I was lacking in the basic idea of vulnerability and exposing myself to people, things, connections.  There was always Rollo’s “buffers“…..

Watch the video below…..

What is fascinating is the way she describes “vulnerability” and how it relates to “PUA Game”. You need to let go of the outcome…… the way Brene Brown describes her “breakdown” is exactly what I have been going through. As an engineer you need a model, you control the outcome, you make changes, and control it some more. I unfortunately have been applying engineering mentality to my mental health. But making connections in Life, it appears, is about not controlling the outcome, that I am enough……..

So…… where do I go from here……. why the sex surrogate of course, friday was a busy day.

Here is Phd Marc Millers webpage that really struck home for me in my quest…
ShameAndPsychotherapy