Game and Triune Brain…..

Brain in love?

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”
― Epictetus

On the way home from writing the evolution of love,  I had an aha! moment.   I would like to breakaway from my continuing the empathetic engine, but use the previous post as a basis for this post.    When many different inputs all align, I believe that I have signal.  I feel at this moment the signal is strong for this idea.

The problem

We are seeing two memes on the web, one from males, and the other from females.    On the male side we see the Manosphere in response to the FriendZone.   The idea that a woman only sees a particular man as a “friend”.   We know this is only playing friends.  On the female side we see women with the “complete” guy, but still not interested.  What is going on?

The Matrix Solution

If you are inside the matrix and read the womans story above, you think something is wrong with her.  But at some level if you are a women you understand, no tingle?  Whats that about?  Everything a man is told within TheMatrix, is the man she describes, it’s the man who waits on you, comforts you, dare I say builds a chicken coop for you.   Is there to be your best friend!   The matrix tells you relational equity is where it’s at, that if you just put in the time, the woman will “love” you.

I propose that all TheMatrix is offering is Social brain thinking.   If you read Rollos RelationalEquity.

 So it’s particularly jarring for men to consider that all of that equity becomes effectively worthless to a woman presented with a sufficiently better prospect as per the dictates of her hypergamy.

I propose that she doesn’t even need a better prospect.  That the man is in the Manosphere sense a BETA, he is completely in the Social brain space.   When I discuss the details of the emphatic engine we will see why.   But the traits of the BETA are all about making/creating the utopian view of an emphatic civilization, they are derived from the NeoMammalian Social brain.

Why Game Works

If I was to describe PUA and its underlying theme, it would be, get fit, and appeal to her emotion.    That in a nutshell is how to pickup women.   What did that just describe?  It described the Reptilian (Functional), and the PaleoMammalian(Me) parts of the brain.

If you notice the description, from my previous post,  the inner portions of the brain deal with the reproduction.  The outer brain deals with the socialization problems.

For a man to attract a woman for mating, he must be fit,  to excite the Reptilian brain.   Base emotions are selfish in nature, they are contextual to the individual.    Appealing to them creates mating connection.   Once the relationship is consummated, chemicals are released that will enable the “social” brain to calm any fears this is the wrong man.

Getting out of the FriendZone

One of the most bitter pills for me to ever swallow is the above message, that everything you have been taught in TheMatrix,  doesn’t help you attract and keep a mate.   But it makes you a “nice guy”.    A nice guy is a Social brain thinker, but he has basic drives,  he is “trained” by his environment to be more of a “social” thinker than a “Me” thinker.   Remember he still has basic drives, and they must be acknowledged at some point in some form.  We will see how the emphatic engine is “trained” to build this “Nice Guy”.

Conclusion

Rollo appeals to the engineer in me, I don’t like all this hindbrain kinda thinking and talking.  It’s a complex network of neurons and people appear to be attracted to different components within the Triune brain.  If anything is clear it should be the tension that is between the Reptillian, Me brain and the Social brain, both at an individual level, and a civilization level of evolution, they are competing.

There is one piece for me, that now falls into place, and that is Rollos FlashesOfAlpha

A lot of what men construe as Drama Queen behavior is the direct result of this beta-Alpha-beta cycle. The more stable, healthy relationship follows an Alpha-beta-Alpha frame where the man maintains his Alpha presence, with just an occasional beta episode to “prove he’s human”.

Rollo is advocating that you activate the short-lived chemicals in her Reptilian and PaleoMammalian brain, but sometimes you are human and have to reenable the longer term “social” brain chemicals.  This “equation” maintains all the chemical cocktails needed to sustain love at all levels as described by  Ph.D. Brenda Schaeffer.

I would like to leave you with the following thought.

What is the difference between shame, and tolerance?   Its been said we live in a shame filled society.   My guess is as our tolerance for each other is rising, so is our shame.  For the emphatic engine, they are the same thing.

How did “love” evolve…….

Is it love or addiction?

“A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.” – Max Muller

Today I break my string of Epictetus quotes, I  know I know…   There is a method to my madness I promise.  I also put this under “unplugging” because it is not how the matrix sees “love.”

This is the second in a  string of posts, regarding what I see as a possible understanding of how neurobiology, psychology, and computer science collide to create a model of how the brain operates.

I am going to tackle the basic structure of love today, because its path is a basis for our understanding and also its an interesting age-old question.    But also in future posts will show how we pick the ones we mate with.    Typically a response is we don’t know why, some people s picker is broken (like mine) .   But how and why do we pick these people, there is no good answer out there that I can find.   I am going to present one, this is the second step in that journey.

Foundations

We start with the Triune brain model.  It’s noted that the model is an evolutionary map.  Meaning that we started with the Reptilian brain (Functional), evolved to the PaleoMammalian (Me), and finally the NeoMammalian (Social).   I propose the feeling of “love” does nothing more than follow this evolution.    There is much talk about “healthy love” and “unhealthy love”,  my model has no value judgement, other than evolutionary success, otherwise it just is.    So I will not be describing things in those terms.   But I will be using as another source the book “Is it Love or is it Addiction” by  Ph.D. Brenda Schaeffer.    I also propose and will show that love and addiction are the same thing.    I also propose here for understanding, that the evolutionary growth of the brain was for one reason, and one reason only, population density of a particular species (inner species competition) or when its ability to be social can succeed against other (external competition) species.. The greater the density, the greater the NeoMammalian (Social) part of the brain.

Triune Brain model

Reptilian Love

If we were to use a mind experiment, and also just look at nature.  We can imagine how the Reptilian reproduction happens.   Reptiles are relatively sparse in terms of density, so if a male and female reptile came within proximity.  They were sexually aroused, and copulation happened or was attempted.   Sexual arousal is the first stage of love based upon PhD Schaefers book.   The chemicals are mostly generated from the gonads.   Its no coincidence that it is reptilian like in nature.

I propose if I research reptile “love” we will see many features of it within ourselves.  For instance, reading of SpermWars, how a female will seek different males to copulate with during one ovulatory cycle.

If we look at the first stage of love, it is sexual arousal.   Meaning does this individual have the basic physical features that cause arousal.   Its interesting in research of humans that there are certain characteristics that create a low-level arousal, one for a male is the females hip to waist ratio.  Another for a female, isn’t seeing a penis, but seeing an erect one.   In fact, in these studies, women and men, don’t even know that they are aroused but it is detected through blood flow meters.

PaleoMammalian

As the population increased, the individuals of a species that evolved with this portion of the brain became dominate.    I propose the reason for this is that this portion of the brain created the emotions that were needed to compete.   Every emotional response has a behavioral component, an autonomic component, and a hormonal component.    It’s the ability to have this emotional response that allowed for short bursts, the ability to kill or defeat a sexual competitor.    It’s not a coincidence that all mammals have adrenaline glands and its synthesis.    When we look at research of reptiles, it’s not entirely clear this adrenal gland is useful.   I would propose that researchers look at population density, and where it is high there will be adrenaline synthesis, and its usefulness will be in the fight or flight response.

So what is happening here?  We have moved from a “mechanical” brain, and evolved to one that is reacting, what we call an emotional response, to its environment when competition ora mate is present.    This emotion is unregulated, but fully present.   Comforting, Anger, the gamut of base emotions are present in this stage.

The population is mostly like reptilian world, no or little socialization.   In the Phd Sheaffer’s world this would be described as romantic attraction.   Evolution occurred because the emotional response reinforced through dominance, created females that were predisposed/selected for males that had this behavioral response.  It was a brutish world, very self-centered.   Actions and behaviors were very self-centered and driven by emotional response to environmental stress.    Lets be clear, most of the time, the specimen just roamed and was in a “reptilian” mode, but when the environmental stress kicked in, it had a physiological advantage over its competition.

While entertaining this idea, I could see how you could have explosive growth of the brain with this sort of evolution.   Then plateau until you needed an evolutionary change due to inner or outer competition.

NeoMammalian

As time went on in the PaleoMammilian mode, densities of the species increased, the next phase of brain development occurred, this was the Social brain.  I have embedded the Jeremy Rifkin video, to show you now how the NeoMammalian brain has evolved from kin, tribe, city, nation, global.    I propose that over the course of that last centuries we have evolved in a soft wiring way, in fact it might be imperceptible to our current technologies in detection of this evolution.

So regarding Love, what happens?   Well with socialization you need various forms/intensities of connection.   I propose that the third stage of love described by Phd Schaeffer,  emotional bonding evolved.

Imagine the PaleoMammilian world, every possible competitor or mate created environmental stress.   Now as densities increased the species, evolutionary success depended upon  a way to calm the savage beat.    The NeoMammilian brain does this through the chemicals released in emotional bonding.     In PaleoMammilian world you had excitatory chemicals, now we needed chemicals that soothe us in the face of competition stresses.  The specimens that couldn’t soothe themselves were outcompeted by those that could.   Oxytocin and Vasopressin step in,  in fact we began to “trust” each other now, we can see how these chemicals between two competitors could then allow them to relax their competitive nature and cooperate, socialize and compete both inner species together, and external competition.

Conclusion

What is the most fascinating to me is that, sexual attraction, romantic love, and emotional bonding, can possibly act independently of the other.  We can have a one nite stand, fall madly in love with someone, and feel comfortable with someone our entire life, all being different people.   Makes sense to me and its not a coincidence that there are three separate chemical processes of love, and three levels of brain functionality and drives.   It is also a clue into the inner workings of the empathetic engine, and its neural network functions.

We have evolved because our brain evolved, not just in intelligence.  But also because of its ability to defuse the “emotional” response from environmental and competition stresses.   But as we will see, different solutions existed for survival around the globe, adaptation was the key.   The empathetic engine is subclass of a soft adaptation engine.

In the next couple of posts I will outline how I believe the “empathetic engine” affects the selection of mates,  addiction and its meaning.

Shame training……

Evolution of the brain……

“Only the educated are free.” ― Epictetus

There were a couple of things that happened over the course of the past couple of weeks that got me thinking about my “shame” model again.

The first was HumblePie’s comment about the Japanese culture.    This would give credence to the idea that Shame is perhaps a Lamarckian evolutionary trait.   That shame is somehow associated with socialization.  Its existence in and across societies varies so greatly it has to be soft wired.  How does this occur?

The other was an interesting feline event.    Gypsy follows me most everywhere in the house.   Today was laundry day, so we had to go to the empty wing of the house.  I have three unused bedrooms, two are empty, one has odds and ends in it.   I keep the door closed because it faces the front of the house.   Anyhow, Gypsy being a cat wondered what was behind that door.  It’s not like she hasn’t been in it before, but I guess she was wondering if something had changed.   I opened the door and let her in, she slinked in.  I went on about my way with laundry and breakfast.   I was about to leave and I hadn’t seen Gypsy.  So I went looking for her.     I eventually found her in the bedroom I had opened for her.  The door had closed not leaving enough for her to get out of the room.  She was laying like a sphynx in Egypt, not moving when I entered.

I walked over too her, and she didn’t look at me, she slinked away out of the room, hiding in shame?   I thought perhaps her being stuck in the room retriggered her shame from the Alan experience?

So where am I going?   Well looking back on my shame model, I feel it is for the most part correct.   It is a forward and backward chaining neural network.  The brain doesn’t see good or bad in experiences, it integrates experiences.   There are many models, and I had one of them that said what the drive or motivation of an individual is such and such.   For instance to belong, reproduce…. et al.     But I am now under the opinion of a brain that has multiple drives, based upon the evolutionary level of the brain.

The brain model that I am working off of is the Triune brain theory.  The image below is a  view of the development of the brain in evolutionary times.   It is proposed that there are three regions of the brain, and each part of the brain serves particular purposes.   In my model, for the sake of clarity, I will just rename them, Function, Me, Social.

Triune brain model…..

I present this model because its significant, and where I want to take this particular post.  But this diagram of the brains growth is key to a number of things related to psychology, which I feel is working from old models of the brain.   Watch the video below, but don’t get caught up in Jermey’s view that the world is moving towards an “empathetic” civilization, he could be right.  But thats not the point of this discussion.  What I would like you to understand is the idea of  “mirror neurons” and how “empathy” is created.

This is a TED talk regarding the neurons that shaped civilization, mirror neurons.  Again, understand that these neurons create a sort of “connection” with other people.    They help us “empathize” with the people around us, physically and emotionally.

Listening to the first video we get an idea of what is happening for “shame” to develop.   The child is born, and has a high level of empathic distress.   If you read about this phenomenon where a child sees pain, then actually feels it, this is pure empathy by the child.    There are a number of things going on, the child is basically incorporating the emotions and the physical into his neocortex.   I have decided to call this “empathetic impressions”.     Again there are no good and bad experiences, what we have here is a program that is collecting data, in a Lamarkian sense on how to survive and get needs met.

In the first video, its describes  about how at about 8 1/2 years of age the child begins the transformation, that his feelings are not that of others, and others feelings aren’t his feelings.   The soft wiring is done collecting data on socialization, the personality as it were is for the most part setup here during this phase of child development.

I would like to step back, and point out that words that we use to describe things is reductionist,  using the words “shame” and “empathy”, have meaning which is not accurate in this description of the psychology of the brain.  If we continue to use these phrases we obfuscate the ability for growth.

The “empathetic impression” phase of child development is one where the child takes in the environment of upbringing, and actually feels it.    The child does this to fit in to his environment, to be social, to get needs met.   Looking through the Principles101 idea of order, the child embeds the pain and pleasure to get needs met, of this period into his psyche.

If the parent is kind and cognizant of the childs needs, the child views the world through this prism.  If the parent is abusive and abandoning, the child views the world through this prism.   When people talk of carrying other peoples shame, they aren’t kidding.  You really are carrying the impression these people made on you when you were,  well impressionable.

It’s this soft wiring of the empathetic engine that allows the different cultures have differing amounts of “shame.”

Its my belief, looking back at my brain model of (Functional,Me, Social) that this growth period is one in which the brain “learns”, via “empathetic impressions”, how much of the Functional, the Me brain to let control in the Social environment.    If it was all Social (shame/empathy) then certain needs don’t get met, if it’s all Me (emotional dysregulation) other needs aren’t met.    Its believed that the neocortex is the gating or emotional repressor.   The Function, Me and Social parts of the brain are working together to get needs met in a given culture, to succeed.  Its during the childs “empathetic impressions” phase that this program is written.

McLean, the person responsible for the Triune Brain diagram, thought there was an “emotional brain”.   The Me and Social parts of the brain both get imputs from the Functional part of the brain.   In fact the amount circuit connecting the hypothalamus to the medial cortex, known as Papez’s circuit, regulates fight or flight, and tend and mend behaviors.   Depending upon gender preference the amount of connection is different.  Its my contention that emotions are driven from many parts of the brain, the brain can take real inputs (sight,touch, language..) , and virtual inputs (Me or Reptilian part of the brain)  and have the same emotions, in one case its called empathy.   You might think of it like the Me part of the brain is an emotional generator, and the neocortex actually “feels” or regulates its manifestation.

Have a good day…..

Sex surrogate session #7

Touching for touchings sake…..

“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;
he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”
― Epictetus

The day started 30 minutes late, it continued throughout the day.    My hike with Patricia started out really good.  While on the hike she received a call from her boyfriend Sean.   She didn’t mention she was walking with me,  I was a bit disappointed.   Oh well.   Then when we got to her house Sean was there and was rather startled by me being there.    Anyhow had a good conversation with him, while Patricia did what ever it is that women do.  I suppose she was nervous too.

Anyhow the day went along, and I felt rushed throughout it.  Installing iOS7 on the developer phone required downloading hell.   But once it was completed I ran to DrShame for our discussions.

I am not sure what to make of DrShame, he listens differently than Holly.  He doesn’t say much, if any thing at all.   Except when we talk about the shaming qualities I have.

Then off to the surrogates, for an hour of discussions about my family and history.  How it made me feel, and what I think the future might hold.    I have been pessimistic regarding the future.  If only because I suppose I am still in Rollo’s phases of change.    We talked about finding my voice.   She said I am caring around my family shame and need an outlet.  I told her I have cycling… she laughed.   She thinks I should scream in the car, not so sure.  On my drive to PasoRobles this weekend, I couldn’t do it.   My basic belief is that anger begets anger, based upon the YouNotSoSmart book.  We also discussed that its time I start directing some of the exercises within our current boundaries.

Once we got through the settling down and reconnecting, the surrogate asked me to go up stairs with her.   We got fully disrobed, and got onto the bed.   We first started by just cuddling/spooning and talking about her day.   She is a surrogate instructor as well, so its interesting hearing how class went.   Then as we talked we started into sensate touching with myself leading to start, her receiving.   I started out with most if not all of my attention on her torso, arms and face.   After about 5 minutes she said politely don’t forget the other half, which reminded me to touch her whole body within focusing on my own sensation of pleasure.

As I paid attention to all of her, it was at this point, I felt we were making love.  Love in the sense that we just enveloped ourselves in each other, arms legs, torsos, genitals touching, but completely non-sexual, sensual I would say.   I enjoyed this so much, we didn’t formally switch at that point we just did, within the confines of our boundaries we touched each other everywhere and with everything, all done in a slow if not rhythmic way.  If you were to take a picture it would appear we were lovers.

I can say, I have imagined touching someone in this way.  I can’t say its ever seemed possible and it felt better than imagined.  We were like two cats moving into pleasurable touches, and giving touches where we felt we would get the most pleasure.  I dare say this whole experience was relieving, after a day of tardiness, it was like settling down.   Can people get bored of this?  I am not sure you can, if you have a partner try this whole form of non-sexual touching all over the body slow things down, you will feel more connected.

After the alarm went off, we got dressed and went downstairs talking the whole time.  It was strange, maybe not, but I wanted to kiss her goodbye.

Have a good day…..

Defeating shame, a possible roadmap…..

Learned Helplessness……

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.”
― Epictetus

Over the course of my many years of therapy and self-introspection, its humourous to me that when you are ready for an answer, it appears.    This past week I read somewhere in the Manosphere about “learned helplessness”.    I wish I could give them a hat tip.    It took me a day or two to digest the idea.   I found the  basic research description here at YouAreNotSoSmart, its a good initial redpill book if you ask me.

Anyhow, the feelings I have had my entire life, I feel are shame based.   I realize I carry around my parents, and families shame, the abuser gives it to the victim.   As I reread my posts, I came to realize that shame, for me is paralysis, or can stop you from doing things you might like to do.   You question everything, you over analyze things, you anticipate negative corrections.

After stumbling across the “learned helplessness”, and contemplating shame for a while,  I realized they are linked.   So I did some searching and found that it is true, they are linked.   The way to get to this state of  “learned helplessness” is receive heavy doses of what might be termed, reactive guidance.    It is the pain side of the order equation, described in Principles101, that when delivered incorrectly to a child,  enables the creation of a “shamed” individual.   Again we all carry  around shame to varying degrees.  As I described my model of shame and breaking the shame, I understood it to be a neural network.  Therefore perhaps neurobiology might have an answer to overcome “learned helplessness” and shame.

Shame has been described to me by Holly, as a feeling of not being worthy.   Again my model differs, shaming corrections  create “learned helplessness” in a child.  It’s not that you don’t think you are worthy that you don’t stand up to your abuser.  It’s that you believe that your efforts don’t bring about the change to meet your needs and are therefore futile.    This is why Dr Miller said after one try, you just give up.   There is more faulty logic as well,  the individual transfers this “learned helplessness” across domains, from situation to new situations.

As I have stated there is no healthy or unhealthy, just experiences that shape the shame model.  Experiences just reinforce or slowly meld the neural network that is your mind….. to that end….

When we feel helpless, neurochemical changes in cortico-releasing hormonesand serotonin reuptake structures profoundly affect the flow of energy and information in the brain. Learned helplessness is sometimes likened to the state of dissociation that often results after an overwhelming traumatic experience. Immature brain circuits, which can generate an avalanche of healthy activity when the system is supported but not overly stressed, can become trained, intentionally and unintentionally to  shut off and go into Homeland Security Lockdown in the face of negative reactions from the people around us. – CommitedParent

The link goes through the “undoing” or reformatting of this network to remove the idea of the helplessness.   I feel the description is close to my experience, but the shamed child takes it one step further,  shame being a forward-looking mechanism puts the system in shut down before negative reactions from people are even possible.   The CommitedParent says its possible to undo this thinking by asking TwoQuestions……

Whats true for me?   and  What do I want?

Please read the link to get a better understanding of the questions, their meaning and how to apply them.   This I believe is the roadmap I was looking for.    While I have felt better, in uncovering my shame.      I have had trouble looking for a direction upon which to  ameliorate this shame.   I think I have now found that path, the pathway to thriving…….

For parents out there, please read the CommitedParent links they are insightful for raising a healthy child, at least from my perspective.

Have a great day……….

Art of the Pickup, round #1.5

Pedestalization

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” ― Epictetus

As you can probably tell I don’t do the PU thing very often.  I am not skilled in the art of the pickup by any stretch of imagination.    It may come to a shock to you that I am actually very funny, I suppose I have that comic depression sorta thing goin on.

Anyhow, I read Heartise, and I think there is no way this stuff really works.  I mean Rollo states “knowing is half the battle“, the internalization takes some time.   I still don’t believe these guys, that it generates attraction.    But I did see it work to some extent with  TheOne as I was learning about “game”.    Although I was too attached to the outcome to really let my personality shine.

What I am about to describe is a conversation through a buffer, per Rollo.  Ok, but since I don’t see TheOne, I can’t really try my best game, after all despite the abuse, she was a pretty good place to practice game.  Which brings me to state of my game #1.5, it doesn’t deserve a full integer, its online.    I am daring and exploring just like HumblePie, the world of online match making.    Only being a guy its a statistical problem, but also probably a “content” problem.  The way I see it there are many guys chasing to few woman, they are the prize.    If you are a woman, online dating is so good.   I have female friends tell me, you could “date for dinners” all week.   So I needed to find a place where I am in demand,  I have found that site.    I won’t go into the details now    but lets just review the first wound in what I hope is the eventual killing of the BETA that is in me…….

I received an email from a rather attractive women that stated…..

Kathy:  ​helo) im wood like to know more about you 

Understand, I am used to getting emails from women on this site, and in this case I would typically reply with something like…

ME:  Sure, I am single, no kids, never married, I live in San Jose California. I visit Florida 3 to 4times a year. For work I travel to Japan 2-3times a year. I love to cycle, so I am cycling from Geneve to Nice in July. I will be spending a couple of days there, then travelling to Bologna Italy, to visit friends. If we get along well enough, perhaps you could join.

I am looking for a friend to start, and if things work out great, if not its good to know people around the world.

Then I would wait, and typically I wouldn’t get a response, even from women that I would think I would have a chance at, or emailed me first.     Kathy is out of my league, of course I can hear Rollo in my ear saying let her disqualify you, don’t do it yourself.    I haven’t killed that part of my BETA yet.   Regardless when I received Kathy’s email I went in to full BETA, typing away, trying to “impress” her with the above, then it hit me.  This is pure BETA.  Its online, I don’t know her, I need not care about outcomes.  I am going to Italy without her, she needs to give me a reason why I should let her join me.  So perhaps I will try the aloof path, act like I don’t care…….  So thought about, ok, it lets try it… So I sent…..

ME:   I like cats! Do you?

and thought I would never hear from her again, my hamster went into overdrive, I blew that shot…….. But I didn’t have anything to lose, right…right?…… within minutes I get a reply (very rare)…..

Kathy: yes 

?? WTF?  The response blows my mind.  I know I know, I didn’t get laid, or even the offer, but she laughed, I touched her emotions.   The only thing I can think is that its so aloof and non-serious, and uncommon that it is unique.  This site is very expensive, and world wide, so most men probably are going to the BETA move of “qualifying themselves” with an impression and $$ kinda statements.  Thats one thought, so I replied….

ME: Really, well perhaps I will let you take me to Italy. 

Its not my best move, but it maintains a couple of points Kenny, my pickup consultant,  might agree with.  I maintained frame, and I acted like I am the prize in an aloof manner.    My friend Allison says I am hilarous, but I only let it out with her, because I don’t care.   All the while I sit here and doubt I will hear from her again,  it was a nice experiment.  But I am hopeful, and as Rollo says I should prepare for success…..

A Gypsy’s Life….

Gypsy at play…

“No great thing is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig, I answer that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen.”
― Epictetus

I was thinking the other day, that I don’t typically blog about good things that are happening for me. That this outlet has become about my struggles, and not thriving.   I suppose then I should output the positive things that are happening.  I started thinking about my cat, Gypsy.

Gypsy and I have more in common that I like to admit. I didn’t find her, at the time my renter Alan did. Well actually Gypsy found my deck. She lived under it for a period of time. Being the cold person I am not, I told him not to give the cat any attention. Of course he did, eventually he bought food for her. Alan is an interesting soul, a ManThatHasGoneHisOwnWay. I can’t figure out why, but that isn’t important now. He “tormented” the cat when I wasn’t home, he would place a box over her, or some other devious little thing to, not hurt her, but just irritate her. This happened night after night. Understand Alan would work at night, and sleep during the day. But she persisted in coming back day to day for food. She was shy, avoidant, and very skittish. She was the runt, a stray, she can’t meow, and now getting feed by being tormented.

I found that the cat was a female, and didn’t want to have any kittens running around. So planned and plotted on how to get her to the Vet. I bought a carrier for her, and eventually coaxed her in to it. I drove her to the Vet, they asked for a name, so I named her DeckKitty, DK for short. The Vet shaved her and found the tattoo that indicated she had been spayed. The Vet did a few more things coming to a total of about $430 dollars. Whaaaat??? Anyhow, I paid the Vet, got her back into the carrier. I then got home and opened the carrier door, and she ran……. ran away she did……

I was despondent, I tried to love her, take care of her, and make sure her health was good and she runs away. Yet Alan tortures her, and she stays…. I see it now that Alan provided order via pain and pleasure, not good experiences for the cats sake but needs were getting met, she stuck around.   We will tolerate abuse if our needs are getting met, Principles101.

Two weeks later DK returned, and the cycle began again, only now DK wouldn’t even acknowledge me. She actually started pissing on my side of the garage on anything with my odor.  DK and I weren’t on good terms after that.  She kept her distance, I suppose for good reason.   Having her there frustrated me at times.

Eventually I ask Alan to leave so that Patricia could move in, which didn’t happen.  Lets talk about that later.   Anyhow, Alan left, and now it was me and DK.   It wasn’t pretty,  she had her side of the house I had mine.   I kept her bowl full, and she stayed out of my hair (what is left of it).     She avoided any physical contact, and I could careless.    I would goto work, come up fill her bowl, in the morning it would be clean.    That was the way it was for a long time.

In the spring I planted a garden,  this was our first time together just toiling away.   Me planting the garden, her chasing lizards and birds, and trying to understand worms.   We became cordial with each other.   So I figured she needed a proper name,  I asked on Facebook what I should call her.   One of my sisters said “Gypsy”, and it stuck.

Gypsy and I have become closer and closer as time has passed, she has become what I would call a regular cat.   She comes when I call her, and sits by my side sleeping of course, as I write.    In the evening I leave my screen door open, she comes and goes as she pleases,  and sometimes wakes me just before my clock goes off.

I lick your nose

I lick you nose again

I drag my claws down your eyelids

Oh, you are up?  feed me…..

From : I could Pee on This

She still pisses on things with a foreign smell from time to time.  She always did it when I brought something home from TheOne’s.   She probably didn’t like her smell, but I like to think now, she was communicating to me in a way to say, this is a bad idea,  “I don’t like her!”.

Today she is a facet of my life, she runs to see me when I come home from work, or a long ride.   She doesn’t go into the kitchen, she knows better,  she is my little experiment in Order, through pleasure and pain I feel she has become a healthy cat.  She till is skitish around the garbage truck.   But she as opposed to running away, she comes to me for comfort.

As I have begun the surrogate training, Gypsy has become my sensate partner, and she enjoys it thoroughly.    To the point that I feel Gypsy and I have a bond a connection, that upon reflection, our paths in life are similar, and that has created an understanding, and dare I say, love…..